$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
