I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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