i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
