What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
