I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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