even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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