i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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