you traded sex for a burrito?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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