so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
