No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
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john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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