If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
