Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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