my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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