seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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