I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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