Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
