i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
