Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
