I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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