i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
