I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
