my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
