shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
