those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
