after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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