Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
