I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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