I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
