Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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