I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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