I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
