I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
