Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
