shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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