the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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