He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
