I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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