I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
