And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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