I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
