who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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