my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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