I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
