Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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