Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
