Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
