Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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