She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
