I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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