i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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