she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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