I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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