My hand turned me down
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
