i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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